A dictionary says that melancholy is an intense feeling of sadness which lasts for a long time and which strongly affects your behavior and attitudes. In a weak case, a melancholiac can't feel sad and happy emotions and sympathy. In a serious case, he or she becomes so nihilistic and feel sinful of its own life. At last they feel even the suicide impulse.
Although it is different from the meaning of a dictionary, I have been ill with a kind of melancholy since my childhood. I diagnosed the illness myself. It has been spinning around my brain lightly or seriously and troubled me. However, it disappeared completely on Feb. 1, 2001.
A few months ago, the illness appeared again and has been spinning around me and started to trouble me. It is gnawing my brain. The symptom is to make today mixed with yesterday and forget usual words. It also drives me to cling to something that I have to forget. By clinging, the time is stopped and I lose my speech by wrong operations. Then my mind turns into a white space by a strong light and I becomes spiritless not feeling the five senses and peripheral nerves.
Although most people in the modern society experience this symptom to some degree, I am so serious. I am so uneasy. I am often in a state of panic. While driving, I feel an empty mind and I can't see the traffic signs. It drives me into a very dangerous situation. It is my own problem that exists in my inner self. However, as I am living in a society, I am suffering many troubles in the relation with other people.
Losing speech is regarded as darkness and my inner fighting self is presented as sharpness. The wrong operation of my personality appears as a defect and damage other people. And it will return to me as another damage.